And dear you out there,
So here I am again… back on the internet!
Sharing my thoughts with strangers. (If only someone would ever read this.)
Not even going viral and totally not sensational.
My lack of self-esteem made me delete all of my earlier online channels. It wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough.
At least I thought I wasn’t. I always compared myself to others and they’ll always be better than me in my opinion…
So maybe I’m just writing things off my mind for myself…
So many people in this world. So many people who recognize my face.
Only a few people who actually “know” me and give me the feeling that I am not alone.
(Damn, I am so blessed having them around…)
Still, being not alone doesn’t make me feel less lonely from time to time…
Even in a crowded room of full of people I really care about, people who make me feel worthy and loved (wow damn, hello there to myself, I made progress ‘cause I don’t feel alone anymore!), I still can feel so damn lonely from time to time…
I actually don’t know. I really, really don’t… It frustrates me. It’s like there’s this big massive hole in my heart. Empty. Numb.
Terrorized by the thought that I won’t ever be good enough and that what I do will never be as good as someone else’s work. Terrorized by the frustration and disappointment in people ‘cause they most of them always leave or lie, disrespect each other or crush each others dreams.
I don’t blame anyone for this overthinking but me. It’s all in my head.
But it’s there.
And it’s so damn exhausting.
“Just let things go. Just hold on. It’s going to be better soon”. Arghh fuck, I’ve heard it so many times…
It’s me. I care to much. I think too much.
Through my personal growth of struggling with depression and anxiety, I found out that yes, some things will work out eventually.
And yes, sometimes, even though it’s really damn hard, it’s better to let things, thoughts or people go. I’m still learning.
But what I still didn’t find out is how to deal with this extreme lonely feeling…
So what’s the point in sharing all of this to strangers who can and will judge me? People, strangers or people I know, they always will judge.
In a world full of influencers, there still isn’t anyone who inspires me enough to rise up and fight against this feeling.
So let me be an inspiration for myself.
Or maybe, just maybe, you are out there. Reading this. Feeling the same.
And maybe, just maybe, we can help each other out by knowing that we’re not alone in this.
And maybe, just maybe we will feel less lonely…
peace & love,